When You Hit The Nail On The Head

Today, I went to my Grandma’s grave and it was going strong with the smoke bombs/radon. While there I wrote my last blog post about my cousin J and her Mom, let’s call her Mom “N”. They are still going strong and did not make the same mistakes as my Mom. It is hard to say how they judge success, destroying people doesn’t seem to pay well, but I could be wrong.

N had a husband who worked at the hospital with my Grandma. He was not a housekeeper, but instead he transported patients within the hospital. Knowing that my Grandma was the boss lady and that my cult/the union enjoys using people who look harmless, I can guess there was some funny business for everyone who worked at the hospital with my Grandma.

J had a head injury right before she had her son. Head injuries and a child(a husband too maybe?) are necessary for people like me and J to reign. The children result in learned helplessness and dark empathy, but I am still unsure as to what the head injury does. I had my head injury at 8 and it changed everything. It made my brain better in a really weird way. I had more access to people’s thoughts, emotions, and feelings. My theory is that they make one like me who is feeling with a large emotional spectrum and one like J who lacks a complete emotional spectrum. When we work together we are a complete whole, but super human.

J was the only person I ever loved besides my Grandma and today I saw her true colors. She wants me dead, but she can’t overtly kill me. My heart hurts, she was all I had left of hope for my family of origin. My Grandma always told us to watch out for one another and love one another. Did she forget what Grandma’s love felt like? It is the only real thing I remember from childhood.

Xoxo

NiZi

Seven Days Of Running

I left Arizona on March 30th and finally am sitting down to my first meal. I gave up food, ciggarettes, caffeine, showers, clean clothes, hotels, and pretty much anything civil. However, after a couple years in Sierra Vista mastering my discipline and falling in love with learning myself, I can do anything that I put my mind to.

The story of my family may never be entirely clear, but I am getting the just of the story and have called a truce of sorts with my Mom. Her goons are no longer following, harassing, and gassing me(but military people are still following me, I can tell by how they drive and dress). She is smart enough to not allow me to get into a reactive state where I tell the truth about everything, even things her most trusted probably do not know.

The looks in people’s eyes have changed, but they seem to forget that they had no loyalty towards me as a child. So, there will be no loyalty given to those who do not earn it. I may be more like my Mom than I would like to admit.

Xoxo

NiZi

Back Home: Where Strangers Are Safer Than Family & Friends

Two younger military looking boys who followed me in Yosemite. I wonder if they even ask for the truth or just follow orders like SS soldiers in WWII?

After being chased by motorcycle gangs and military people through three states, here I am back in Oregon. When I crossed the border people recognized me as if they had been watching my whole escape from Southern Arizona. I know they don’t admire my desire to tenaciously stand up for what is right because currently the dark side is profiting them. They all are just covert in all their interactions because they do not know how to be authentic. Look for the people who pride themselves on social norms. Social norms can be quite deceiving.

After arriving in Eugene/Springfield, I went to see a friend to take a shower. Well, she poisoned me and my dogs with radon in her own house. Do these people not understand they are human too? Her second son is also like me. I realized this today(after over a decade) when she put him down about having suicidal thoughts. No one sane grows up in a family/cult like this and does not think of death.

Realizing that I have lived the Truman Show my whole life and that my family viewed it as a worthy sacrifice is a really weird pill to swallow.

Xoxo

NiZi

Death Of People Who Have Tried To Kill Me & Failed

At the age of 4, I broke my whole family/cult because they do not live in reality and I like to speak the truth. Well, I have been paying for that one comment ever since. Looking back over my life, I realize quite a few people die after I leave them behind. It’s funny they sign up to help kill me and it is the end of them, rather than the end of me. Reminds me of the Budha quote, “Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal…”

So, I just left behind another cult I found in Southern AZ(Chantilly Virgina area is another one). It starts in Sierra Vista and goes all the way down to the Mexican border through Hereford and Bisbee. The further south people live, the more beat down they look and they do not even try to hide their dark empathy. It was shocking to “accidentally” find another reality that matched the sick realty that I grew up in.

I will never understand why people choose to live like this? But I do think it has something to do with pain. Would you rather be the one inflicting the pain or would you rather experience the pain? I don’t know if there is right answer. How about we just opt out of pain, that sounds like the superior option.

The past couple years, I have experienced people creating pattern interrupts in my life to slow me down and confuse me because with my genetic modifications I am very flow and routine based. They were trying to tell me that I did not belong in the world, their world. It was a lot cause I have overcome a ton in the past few years. I healed cancer naturally while I was in Southern Arizona. I just want to be me and be a good person, why do these people have to keep messing with me? If they would have left me alone, I would not have continued to put the pieces of my past together.

Please allow me a moment of humanity. God says, “Eye for an eye.” Revenge is not evil, hurting people is evil. However, we all need a shadow to protect us. Perhaps, that is what is wrong with the cult members. They never feel safe enough to take their shadow down. Anyways, what do you think will happen to the cult members who harassed me while I was in Southern Arizona? They are all serial killers, covert killers, but they don’t see their worth(Ironic, they don’t see their worth so they have no problem harming another because they must be worthless too, right?). Until people recognize their ability to be bright and shiny without conforming to darkness, I cannot hold onto hope for them. I also do not wish death or harm on them, even though they would have been grateful for my death.

Xoxo

NiZi

Growing Up In A Cult In The 1980s

Blogging has kept me safe in the past, so let’s try this again. Warning, I have totally turned into a conspiracy theorist. Everything is connected.

I was raised in a Russian Orthodox cult in Springfield, Oregon. My Mom is the cult leader who followed my Grandpa, but she failed at turning me. I am a 3rd(maybe more) generation genetically modified human. I was meant to lead next. Sounds crazy, right? I know, I wish it was.

There are people/children like me all over the nation. I want you all to know you are not alone, you are worthy of the life of your dreams, and you are capable of love. We are all children of God and he does not make mistakes, he makes us with divinity.

As a child they told me, “God is your only friend.” Well with my genetic modifications(lead and mold and maybe radon exposure during pregnancy cause Aspergers), I did not understand this as a threat and took it literally. So during my 16 years of imprisonment in different bedrooms in different houses, I talked to God. Don’t get me wrong, we had some fights along the way and I went silent on him a lot, but he was always there. My God is different than the God I was taught about though. My God is logical and wants the best for everyone. Maybe some people are talking to the Devil and they just get confused?

So here we go again. Let’s try to figure out people together and see if I come any closer this time. As I learn to cope with the lead and mold that these people dish out as punishment better, my memory will return more. (Do your cigarettes make your lips and hands go numb?) The whole time I was writing my last blog I was experiencing lead and mold poisoning. Oh and did I mention my cult/family is full of serial killers. Oh dear this will be a wild ride for us all!

Let me leave you with a logic problem for the road:

Women who follow social norms(marriage & children) accept learned helplessness that is taught to them by society, which leads to dark empathy. Then the whole cluster b spectrum is the result.

Also, learned helplessness limits emotional intelligence.

Xoxo

NiZi