25 Signs A Person Is Toxic

After experiencing narcissistic abuse it is important to go no contact with all the toxic people in your life. Often it is difficult to tell who is toxic and who is not, because we are not used to having boundaries. A person does not need to have a full blown personality disorder to be toxic. Labeling people is not necessary, but identifying how they make you feel is.

Signs of a toxic person:

  • They like to be heard rather than listening to themselves-only through being heard can they access source energy
  • They are generally a negative person
  • They are judgmental
  • They use love as a weapon and manipulation tactic
  • They are selfish
  • They need to be right
  • They are surrounded by drama
  • They lie
  • They are always the victim
  • They never have a nice word to say about others
  • They take no responsibility for their own feelings
  • They do not apologize
  • They like to complain rather than finding solutions to their problems
  • They make you feel drained
  • They are inconsistent
  • They make you prove yourself to them
  • They are not supportive of what is important to you
  • They nitpick your successes and efforts
  • They regress with age rather than mature
  • They are manipulative
  • They are more interested in what you can give them rather than adding to your life
  • You dread spending time with them
  • You stoop to their level
  • You resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms
  • They make everything in life seem complex and difficult

Now that you are armed with knowledge, allow it to become wisdom and go no contact with the toxic people in your life.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

Codependency, People Pleasing, & Addictions

Codependence, people pleasing, and addictions all stem from looking for happiness outside of ourselves. When you are raised to please others first, rather than yourself, life can be a slippery slope to navigate. Learning how to put yourself first is one of the most difficult steps in narcissistic abuse recovery, because it goes against the grain of how we were raised. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, or parents, you understood that your feelings did not matter and if you took a stand to express yourself you regretted it later, because it never turned out well.

Codependency or self-love deficit, as Ross Rosenburg puts it, is the tendency to not be authentic with yourself and/or others. As a child, you were never shown how to unconditionally love and honor yourself. Thus, you seek security and love from others. This pattern often repeats for a lifetime, until there is someone who uses this need for love against us. When the effort and lessons to finally unconditionally love ourselves are less pain and work than staying with someone else who gives us conditional love, only then do we address this issue.

People pleasing is merely an addiction to keeping the peace and getting approval. When you have a parent/parents that deny your emotional reality, you start to do this to yourself as a survival mechanism. This trait/addiction becomes deep-rooted into the person you believe yourself to be. However, in actuality, as a human being you are an emotional creature. Denying this reality is denying who you are as an individual. This leads to all kinds of addictions that may vary, but all stem from looking for comfort outside of yourself.

After a lifetime of not addressing or acknowledging your own feelings, keeping the peace, and looking for approval outside yourself, it is almost unheard of to not have developed some maladaptive coping mechanisms that have become addictions. Addressing these addictions is just as important as acknowledging your feelings. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol, they can be anything from working out, shopping, sex, eating, playing video games, people pleasing, ect. What do you do when you feel lonely or depressed? Is it making you a better person or is it holding you back?

Being honest with yourself about addiction is one of the key components of narcissistic abuse recovery. If you cannot admit to having a problem or issue you will not be able to resolve it. This requires digging deep and looking at all aspects of your life and actions. What do you do over and over that hurts you? What do you do that makes you a better human? What do you do that you picked up from your original abuser? What is the motivation behind your actions that you take when on autopilot? Now is the time to ruthlessly question everything.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

IG @Nicole_Graves_Kudearoff

Twitter @Now_Nizi

YouTube-Spilling the Tea Video

13 Signs Of Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD is one of the parting gifts of leaving narcissist abuse behind. It really is the gift that keeps on giving and many people do not understand how deep it’s effects run. Yes, you survived the abuse, but now you have to process it all and reprogram your brain and body to realize you are safe and worth love.

Growing up in a narcissistic family cult means I never knew what safe or love actually felt like. I had a weird obsession with the Holocaust as a child, because it was the only group of people I could relate to. I had prison guards, rather than parents, and felt like a prisoner of war. This is what separates PTSD from CPTSD. PTSD is an isolated incident and CPTSD is living on-going trauma.

I do not know if many people can understand what living a life of trauma feels like, but it is a corrosive experience that washes away your soul. Growing up as a prisoner of war made being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist seem like a cake walk. I stayed because even at its worse, it was still a hundred times better than the abuse I grew up with that I thought was love. When you are raised in a war zone an encounter with a terrorist is not really enough to make you see the red flags.

Even after being diagnosed with PTSD when I was 20, I still did not feel understood and/or resolution. I continued to downplayed my childhood abuse, because I had forgotten most of it. My brain was protecting me and I am very grateful. During this whole period of being diagnosed with PTSD and having a nervous breakdown, my BPD Mother was present enough to gaslight me and to get the information she needed to garner sympathy from everyone she could. Staying in contact with my BPD Mother added over a decade to my trauma and recovery. I spent over 15 years on anxiety medication continuing to think the problem was me and my inability to be resilient. This is why I write about narcissistic abuse and growing up in a narcissistic family cult.

Here are 13 signs you are suffering from CPTSD:

  • experienced childhood neglect
  • experienced other types of abuse early in life
  • experienced domestic abuse
  • experienced human trafficking
  • experienced being a prisoner of war
  • lived in a region affected by war
  • Difficulty regulating emotions, which can manifest as extreme anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, and quick swings from one to another
  • Losing memories of the trauma or reliving them
  • Dissociation, feeling detached from oneself
  • Changes in self-perception, including feeling totally different from other people and feeling ashamed or guilty
  • Challenges in relationships, including difficulty trusting others, seeking out a rescuer, or even seeking an abuser
  • Distorted perceptions of the perpetrator or abuser, which may include ascribing all the power to this person, becoming obsessed with him or her, or becoming preoccupied with revenge
  • Loss of a system of meanings, such as losing one’s core beliefs, values, religious faith, or hope in the world and other people

CPTSD does not have to rule your life. Healing is a process, but it is possible. Recovering from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD is one of the most rewarding and difficult experiences I have ever had. There is so much hope on the other side, start your journey today.

Xoxo

Nicole

(written FEBRUARY 20, 2019)

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18 Signs Of A Psychopath/Sociopath

Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie is a book that changed my life. Growing up in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic family cult made this book feel like a family reunion. Psychopaths have a higher skill set than the average narcissist when it comes to manipulation. Without feelings they have to emulate being human and having an emotional spectrum beyond merely anger and jealousy.

“Psychopaths do not actually feel the love and happiness that they so frequently proclaim. They oscillate between contempt, envy, and boredom. Nothing more.” -Jackson MacKenzie, Psychopath Free

Psychopaths prey on others to feel alive and get a taste of emotion. Their emotions are flat, dull, and painful. They seek to kill in you what they cannot have themselves. Psychopaths are people who know they do not have the ability to possess feelings and take it out on others.

As BPD and narcissism overlap, so do narcissism and anti-social personality disorder. All cluster b personality disorders start to look similar with time and age. Dark triad is how most of cluster b personality disorders leave this world. So if you grew up with a BPD or narcissistic parent, chances are highly likely that you will see the signs of psychopathy in them with age.

Signs of psychopathy:

  • Lack of empathy
  • Overly critical
  • Disregard for right and wrong
  • Wit and charm
  • Impulsiveness
  • Arrogance
  • Aggression
  • Unreliable and unpredictable
  • Lack of remorse or shame
  • Insincerity
  • Poor judgement and failure to learn by experience
  • Lack of insight
  • Impulsive
  • Only concerned with the now
  • Everything is a game
  • Ignores social norms
  • Deceitful
  • Callousness

Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.

Xoxo

Nicole

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9 Signs Of Toxicity When Making New Friends After Narcissistic Abuse

When making new friends and reconnecting with old friends after narcissistic abuse, it is imperative to figure out who is toxic and who is healthy. Healthy people will aide in your healing journey, while toxic people will add to the struggles of recovery. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a lifelong journey. When you think you have arrived, you are faced with a new obstacle in life that leads you right back to recovery. You are worth the life of your dreams and every time you compromise it is rooted in your belief that you do not deserve your dreams.

Recently, I have been working on meeting new people and reconnecting with some of my old friends. After going within, working on myself, and my root wound, it is time to get back out into the world. However, going back out into the world is not without speed bumps.

Here are 9 signs, I have encountered, that shed light on a person’s toxicity:

  • They enjoy hearing about your problems and things you are struggling with because they enjoy your pain more than they can share in your successes.
  • They use your given name more often than necessary.
  • They over share their issues and struggles, but rarely share successes or things they are happy about(besides material possessions).
  • They talk a big self-care game, but rarely participate in it or follow through.
  • They know a lot of people and enjoy talking/gossiping about them.
  • They often talk about their traumas, but rarely share how they addressed and/or dealt with these issues to heal.
  • They treat you as a toy/possession rather than a freethinking individual.
  • They study you rather than get to know you or catch up with you.
  • They bring up past experiences you shared that involve your vulnerability(if you knew them before).

When you know and realize the signs and feelings that go along with toxic people, it is easier to weed them out of your life. Be a ruthless gardener and protect the garden of your life like the true gift it is.

Xoxo

Nicole

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Check out: The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys

Parking At My Mom’s House

I have found a weird kind of safety parking at my Mom’s house. Her house is toxic and makes my liver hurt and most of her food is poisoned. But she is not to blame. She is living in her own Truman Show just as most of the women in our family. Luckily, I have always been the black sheep so she understands that I question everything. It is just who I have always been and she knows my favorite question has always been “Why?”

My thyroid/throat, chest, and liver hurt when I am in her house for a long period of time. All my binders and vitamins that have been in my Jeep have been poisoned. They give me the lead lips and angry feelings. I have not been this angry in a long time and after reading the past handful of blog posts I know you all can see it too. This is how I felt most of my life. I was a really angry and anxious person. It is so different than the person I have become since I left Oregon.

The cult leaders must have wrote me off as dead until I started speaking out about being on the Autism spectrum and being an INFJ and genius. Why are they so against me being me? It must threaten who they are and what they plan to do. Who else has questioned their mental state after watching content on TikTok? Did you grow up in a family that felt like a cult? Were the men in your family covert narcissists? And the women/Mothers BPD? I would love anyone who can relate to my story to comment and let me know I am not alone.

Xoxo

Nicole

The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys

Narcissists cannot survive without their enablers. Flying monkeys are people who turn a blind eye to red flags, blatant abuse, and the narcissist causing most issues rather than resolving them. These people are usually unaware of the abuse they are perpetuating and participating in, but ignorance does not make the damage they create heal faster.

Flying monkeys also play into narcissistic family cults. When narcissistic supply is not easily obtainable, a narcissist always has their family to fall back on. Narcissists rarely go no contact with their family of origin, even when there are highly dysfunctional members. Turning these dysfunctional family members into flying monkeys allows the narcissist to perpetuate abuse on their target whenever they choose. Family members in a narcissistic family cult are taught loyalty and blind devotion from a very young age, so these flying monkeys will normally last a lifetime.

Narcissists use flying monkeys to spread and perpetuate their smear campaign after their true colors are seen. These people are used to do the narcissist’s dirty grunt work. Flying monkeys do not think for themselves and often take everything the narcissist says at face value. Even when faced with the truth about the narcissist, flying monkeys would rather stick their head in the sand than admit the narcissist is not the victim he/she claims to be.

A narcissist needs to have flying monkeys for narcissistic supply and reinforcements. These people allow the narcissist to continue to believe all the grandiose things they believe about themselves. Flying monkeys may be unknowingly perpetuating narcissistic abuse, but this does not mean they belong in your life. Going no contact with all people who have bought the narcissist’s fantasy, that they sell as reality, is imperative to your recovery.

Remember the truth is often not as easy to swallow as the great fantasy the narcissist sells. Have compassion for these people, because at one point in time you were one of the narcissist’s flying monkeys too.

Xoxo

Nicole

Follow me on IG to keep up with my adventures

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Check Out: Narcissistic Abuse: Nature Versus Nurture